Still Good.

I've been both wanting to blog and avoiding it at the same time.

My avoidance comes from home distractions (a "minor" remodel which has left my piano on the porch, couch in the garage, and cookie sheets in the laundry room), work distractions (dealing with a burst pipe at my employer's home) and family distractions (3 birthdays, one anniversary, an upcoming wedding, my brother's graduation from grad school, my dad's retirement).  And then there's the inevitable mind-wandering of unspoken desires and heartache.  Things I long to hold close and things I want to push far, far away.  Stuff that's hard to comprehend, let alone put to words.

My friend Haley, age 20, was recently diagnosed with cancer.  What began as a trip to the ER due to excruciating pain, continues as a battle with stage 2 diffused B-cell lymphoma.

First they found a tumor.
It wasn't cancerous, but the tissue around it was. (wouldn't have found the cancer without the pain from the tumor)
A near hysterectomy.
Cancer spreading.
IV chemo.
Oral chemo.
A break from chemo to replenish white blood cells.
Cancer spreading.
More chemo.

Paper chains to count down the days of chemo, milkshakes, smoothies, daffodils, and naming her uterus "Ursula" are all I can offer her to show her that she's not alone.  And dearly loved.  I am mustering up all the words I have to pray for her healing, and I come up short.  My throat closes and my eyes water.  Believing God can still heal my friend and wondering why He hasn't... yet.

But these things don't take away her present cancer reality.  The haunting fear of the unknown.  The nausea and fatigue.

I/we are choosing to believe that God is still good in the midst of her pain and suffering.  Maybe the more we cling to that these truths, the easier they will be to believe?

I still have to choose to believe God is good when I look at the ocean, since the ocean is what took my friend Karissa's life nearly 8 years ago.  She went wading during an college RA retreat and never came back.  I'm not sure I've ever been so in awe of the power and mystery of the ocean.  To this day, I stand at the water's edge, inhale the salty air and say aloud: "God, You are still good."

When Haley first told me about a girl she met in the cancer ward, I remember saying "hellooo, opportunity!" (Take a moment to read about Sheraya here.)

And now, after reading about the bittersweet ending (which is also the beginning) of that friendship, I glimpse God's obvious hand in Haley's diagnosis.  I read Haley's updated blog in my car, searching everywhere for kleenex and emergency napkins in my console.  I resorted to using my sleeve while I wept.  Tears of sadness mixed with joy flowed down my cheeks, accompanied by an unexplainable peace. (Read her account here, but not without tissues, or at least a sleeve.)

Gungor's song "Beautiful Things" began playing in my mind after I read Haley's account of her friend's "move."

Haley, God has made and IS making beautiful things out of you.  Just like He did with Sheraya's frail, leukemia-ridden body.  She finally has a home and a Father.  She's been made new and I know you'll meet again at heaven's gate when you hear "well done, good and faithful servant."

Let us stand at the ocean's edge together, drinking in the salty air, heavy-laden in our pain, proclaiming God's goodness.

Because He is still good.

Justice isn't sexy.

Justice isn't sexy.
Justice is not a fad, a thing of the past or a thing of 2012.  It will never go out of style yet it probably won't make headline news, either.
Justice is long and boring, tedious and tiresome, and it requires countless hours.
Justice is not limited to left-wing, liberals, or politics.  Nor does it excuse any of them.
Justice is an equal-opportunity employer. (Bruggeman)

Righteousness is a right relationship with God and others.  (It is not just holy living.)  Sounds a lot like justice, doesn't it?

I distinctly remember walking out of that first brothel on a cold evening nearly 5 years ago.  Disgusted by the vile images I'd seen with my own eyes.  The night the stories, second-hand accounts and documentaries came to life in the form of a very real nightmare.  The night where prostitutes and pimps became real people in my neighborhood.  The night where oppressor met the oppressed.  The night where hopelessness collided with hope.  The night injustice wore skin.

It was also the night I began my gratitude for a God of justice.

Walter Bruggeman, an elderly, animated, white-haired, can't-talk-without-his-hands gentleman outlined 5 concepts of God's vow of fidelity to Israel in Hosea 2.

1. Tenacious LOVE - a tougher, more committed, never-give-up kind of love that is more nitty gritty than "loving kindness"
2. RIGHTEOUSNESS - commitment to the shalom, or peace, of a community
3. JUSTICE - commitment to creating equality for the most vulnerable
4. MERCY - giving of one's self
5. COMPASSION - "womb-like mother love" - the kind of love God has for God's people.  Feeling in the deepest ways possible that something is not right and needs to be changed.

Several of the conference speakers challenged me to pay attention to what specific things make my blood boil.  The thing that stirs my guts and makes me sick to my stomach.  Because to be filled with the Holy Spirit is to be conscious of sin.

It's in that awareness that moves me.

"Great movements of the world come through pain of the people."

May we let those things, the injustices of our broken world, beckon us to embrace and claim a God of justice who can do more than we could ever ask for or imagine, who is calls me to take care of His sheep.

UGH.

So many gut-moving facts about the world we live in.

• 27 MILLION people are enslaved today.  They make your chocolate, bake your bricks, and are forced to star in porn videos.
• Women and children are sold for commercial sex
• 22 THOUSAND innocent people are imprisoned today due to being wrongly accused
• Joseph Kony kidnaps and forces kids to become his soldiers
• Racism, gender-based violence, homelessness, orphans, poverty, etc.

A world that is going down the tube, but a loving God who offers HOPE and LIGHT to even the bleakest situations.

Because the Lord is displeased that there is injustice. 

- Isaiah 59

The Justice Conference

My heart and soul are full.

My mind is spinning.

My daydreams are spiraling.
On the edge of my seat, ready to leap.
Yet carrying a backpack full of bricks, heavy laden for the broken, the oppressed, the voiceless.

I'm certain I just spent the best $135 dollars of my whole life. (But ohhhhhhh, the 'don't-even-have-words-for' tension I'm experiencing after spending even more than that just two days prior on my new iPhone.)

I just spent the last 2 days as a sponge.  Soaking up 28 hours in the presence of 8 friends, 4000 strangers from 40+ U.S. states and 20 countries, attending 13 sessions with as many of the 60 speakers as possible.  All under one roof at the The Justice Conference last weekend.

Here's hoping that my fingers will type what my heart is saying.

Dear Teenage Girl,

Dear Teenage Girl,

I wish you understood how much I care for you.

I have cried tears over you, sent you flowers anonymously, bought you lunch, taken you out for coffee, invited you into my home, curled your hair for prom, spent every Wednesday night with you, baked you cookies, picked you up for youth group, led Bible studies, taught you how to crochet, made breakfast for you, did dishes for you, gave up a week of my time to be your camp counselor and countless weekends to be in your cabin at retreats, cheered for you at soccer games and watched football games just so I could see you cheer.


And, I have prayed for you.

Prayed that you'd get a date to a dance.
Prayed for courage to have that hard conversation with your dad.
Prayed that your non-Christian friend would accept your invitation to youth group.
Prayed for strength to confront your friend's bad choices.
Prayed that you'd be freed from shame from what you did last summer.
Prayed that you'd be pure.
Prayed that you'd find enjoyment in reading your Bible.
Prayed that your broken heart would be mended.
Prayed that you'd find contentment in your singleness.
Prayed that Jesus Christ would be your first love.


To be honest, I don't even really like going to high school football games because I don't know any of the players. Not to mention, I hate being cold.  I definitely don't like washing dishes, and I'm usually starving by the time you finish eating breakfast because I'm so busy cooking that I don't eat until you leave.  When I'm your camp counselor, I miss kissing Paul goodnight before my head hits the pillow, like I've done almost every night since we got married.  I stress over leading Bible studies because I don't consider myself a teacher and I'm never really sure what you need to hear.  You are one of the main reasons I gave up looking for full time work because I wanted to be available to you.

I do these things because I care about you.
I'm honored when you let me into your life and you trust my ears with your words.  Thank you for letting me speak into your life.  I love being part of your "ah- ha" moments.

When you are hesitant to tell me something, it hurts.  I can't help but think it's because you don't think I'll approve.  And honestly, based on what you've told me leading up to it, I may not.  But I still want to know because what is important to you is important to me.  (And no one likes to find out via Facebook.)

I want to celebrate with you.

But more than that,
I want God's best for you.
And even more than that, I want you to want God's best for you.

It devastates me to see you make bad decisions.
To settle in relationships.
To lower your standards.
To say one thing and do the opposite.
To hide something from me.

I'm trying not to take offense when you don't take my advice or blatantly ignore Truth.  Because, as my wise husband reminds me, it's not really about me at all.  It boils down to trusting God or not.

I've told you a million times that what God has for you is so much better than anything you could come up with on your own.  But just because I tell you that doesn't mean you believe it for yourself.  Or that you'll wait for it.

But it's worth it.  Oh, it's so worth it.

Oh, how I long for you to trust God.
To make Him Lord over your love life.
To run toward Jesus with everything you've got and never give up.

I'll keep praying, but the moving is up to you.

A basket full of thanks

As a child, November was always kicked off by cutting out shapes from colored construction paper.  Mom assumed her role as pattern maker - tracing cookie cutters or free-handing palm trees, stars, hearts, leaves, etc. Every night after dinner, we'd pass the basket around, take out our preferred shape, and write down our thanks.  By the time Thanksgiving rolled around, our basket was full of thanks.  And, before we slipped into our Tryptophan turkey comas, we took turns reading each other's shapes.  Dad always wrote one about his beautiful wife (insert collective groans and "ahhhhs" from three young kids), sister and I usually wrote a silly one about brother, and our favorite foods always made the list.  Mashed potatoes, anyone?  Some were duplicates and some stood alone.

As I have grown older, my appreciation for things has deepened beyond that which is smothered in gravy.  Living among the "have-nots" in Africa, Asia, South America & even North America has often left me feeling angry, guilty, helpless and sad.  Even with my own discouraging, looming home loan, college debt and part-time job, I am considered one of the elite who "has."  However, if blessings are gifts bestowed by God which produce happiness, then despite my financial situation, I still have much to be thankful for.

As an adult, I still reflect on this season of Thanks with an eagerness that stems from a long-ago family tradition.  Several months ago, my mom gave me a book.  A book with a "dare to live fully wherever you are."  Ann Voskamp keeps an ongoing list of everyday gifts.  While Ann's initial goal was to make it to 1,000 she didn't stop there and hasn't stopped since.

My sweet mom emailed me at the first of the month, encouraging us kids to reflect on the gifts from the hands of our Loving God.

Hello my Dear Ones,  (<---I love her terms of endearment)

I was just contemplating the season: the leaves are all turning and the wind blowing them around, and temperatures at night causing the heat to blow warm on our feet in the mornings. It's fall!

And as the calendar page turns over to November next week and we look ahead to Parker's birthday and Thanksgiving and then Christmas, I was remembering how we tried to savor this special time of year. Do you remember us cutting out "shapes" from colored paper and each of us writing out things we were thankful for each evening? And then come Thanksgiving, we would read from our collection and treasure the variety of thoughts we'd all put down. I've save a few from over the years (you know how I hate to throw things away) and they are special memories.

I am so thankful for each of you and all that God has given your dad and me as your parents. We are truly blessed!

May I challenge you (as I do myself) to be thankful every day for what you have from the Hand of God? We have so much yet can easily take the everyday things for granted. I don't know that I will cut out "shapes" to record my thanks, but I will start a list. Join me?

Much love,

Mom

Thanks for the challenge, mom.

Here begins my gift list.   Not for santa, but for my yearning to glorify God.  May this process replace the bitter weeds in my heart with life-giving, bountiful produce that spills over to every avenue of my daily life.

1. emails from my mother
2. our new, patch-free roof which has eliminated further worry of ceiling leaks, dry rot, etc.
3. blue blanket we received from our wedding; it has probably been used 365 days a year for the past 2+ years
4. the ability to receive a 100k Christian education
5. 4-year old Maggie who teaches me to be thankful for life's simplest things
6. a God who loves me (in the words of 4-year old Maggie)
7. free haircuts from the best hairdresser in town "because it's the only way she can repay me and Paul for investing in her kids' lives at youth group"
8. a God who is bigger than my mistakes
9. a "best friend" relationship with my sister who is much too far away
10. babies growing in my friends' bellies (6 and counting...)
11. butterflies in my belly as I dream of being a mom someday
12. butterflies in my belly as I dream of Paul being a dad someday
13. my father's phone calls on his way home from work
14. high school girls who share life's hardships with me
15. a voice to sing harmonies
16. the fiery reds, oranges & yellows of autumn leaves on sunny days
17. the fiery reds, oranges & yellows of autumn leaves against a gray, stormy sky
18. leftovers (something I've never appreciated this much ever before)
19. when all socks exit the dryer with their corresponding mates
20. all 100 pounds and bad breath of our dog who warms my feet from the drafty laundry room

90 Days

Paul and I are reading through the Bible in 90 days as part of a whole church challenge.  Since September 19th, we've read Genesis - Esther.  I'm half-excited and half-not to read Job next.

I'm excited because it's a familiar story.  I'm not excited because it's a story of pain and despair.

Reading the Bible like this is revolutionizing my devotion life.  I went from reading almost nothing to reading for almost an hour at a time and completing 12-16 chapters a day.

I'm noticing a change in my worship; I'm able to appreciate God so much more.  I'm putting more into it.  Sunday morning songs mean something more to me in this season, than ever before.

More to come, with some questions that have come up along the way.

I have to finish Job tonight to catch up with the reading plan... (The middle school retreat put me a couple days behind.)

Time to knock out 40 chapters!

MAICCD... now that's a mouthful

The mail I received this afternoon makes my heart leap.  I recently requested information about a graduate program in the Seattle area.

"Dear Elizabeth, 

It was great to hear of your interest in the Master of Arts in International Care and Community Development (MAICCD) program...."

Northwest University in Kirkland offers a Master's Degree in International Care and Community Development, which is committed to social justice for the poor, powerless and oppressed.  Fuller Seminary (Pasadena, CA) offers a similar program.

Can I/we even afford a program like this? 

Is this the right time?

What do I do with this degree once I've got it?

Could I balance school, work and family?

Would I even want to drive to Seattle weekly?

Yes...No...Maybe so.

I don't know. 

But this girl can't help but dream about that which makes her heart sing, eyes water, and stomach flutter.

I've become a Mac girl

This is the first post from my brand spankin' new MacBook Pro.
I can finally access my email, Facebook, etc. again, and use this wherever I want to, without being attached to an electrical outlet.

I've entered the Mac world.... and I won't go back.

Now, to update my pink razor phone...

Confessions of a Youth Pastor's Wife

Sometimes, I'm fine.
Other times, it hurts.

It feels as though there is a stigma associated with being in ministry.  "I'm a youth pastor's wife, and therefore our life is so full I couldn't possibly have time for anything else."

From the checkout aisle at Fred Meyer: "Paul... now he's a busy man."  And a number of other comments wrapped up in this one: "Gosh, we've hardly seen you, you guys are so busy."

Yes, there are moments of insanity when we we crash on the couch after a long day/evening/week/weekend and are thankful for nothing to do because home feels.so.good.  Our summer was full.  Admittedly, we were gone a lot.

June 5: We opened a coffee shop at cafe that I've been managing
June 16-18: Trip to Grants Pass for my dad's 60th surprise party
June 27-July 1: Vacation Bible School
June 27-July 5: Fireworks booths (two stands)
July 6-July 10: Wedding in Santa Barbara
July 17-23: Mayfield Lake Youth Camp
July 28-30: Our escape to Ilwaco
August 1-5: Kids' Camp
August 6: Wedding
August 8: Youth Group trip to Wild Waves
August 10: Youth Group Bonfire
August 13: Wedding
August 18: Youth Group homeless outreach in Portland with Night Strike
August 20: Wedding
August 24: Senior Girls/Freshmen Girls bonfire
August 26-28: Family Camp
September 2-5: Labor Day camping trip with our college group

Summer happened!  ...and you know what?  We live to tell about it!  And the truth is, I had time in between all those things... to BE, to meet up with college girlfriends in Vancouver (you know who you are), to meet halfway to be with family, etc.  I also had lonely moments - sounds rather strange after reviewing our calendar.  There were honestly times where I wished a friend would call and invite me to do something outside of anything church-related.  Times where I wished I had girlfriends here who really know me.  To whisk me away...

The week of the fireworks booth, I spent a lot of time to myself.  Paul was working a lot, and I think the assumption was that I was working, too.  In reality, I walked to the lake twice by myself just to get out of the house because I had nothing to do.  Sometimes, on an evening when Paul is gone, my first thought is to call a high school girl, since they are the ones inviting me to hang out - wanting to go out for coffee and want to come over for breakfast in the morning. 

I spend my days with a 4 year old, Sunday evenings with college students, Wednesday nights with high school students, etc.  I love them.  And what I really crave are friends my own age, and my attempts at getting together have often failed.

I, too, am also guilty of wrongfully assuming things about people's time and have recently been convicted about just that.  I often assume that when my friends have children, they can't do things spontaneously, or come over for dinner for fear of interrupting the night-time routine.  

This entry isn't meant to guilt-trip anyone.  

It's simply the confession of a Youth Pastor's wife doing her best to create a social life while balancing married life, youth group, college group, church, cooking and work.  

And someday, children. :)

Mayfield Lake Youth Camp 2011

The third week in July continues to be one of the greatest weeks of the summer.  This year especially, I found myself anticipating BIG ways in which God was going to move at camp.  I kept telling my small group girls "I feel like God is going to do some great things with us at camp."  And so, with my camp clothes packed, cabin decorations, camera and ready heart, I settled into a powerful week as a counselor for Junior girls.

About 250 kids attended (middle school through high school) and there were 3 cabins of Junior girls, which are the ladies I get to spend Wednesday nights with at youth group.  5 kids even came up from my home church in Merlin, OR.  (Just another way in which God affirmed our Spring Break mission trip relocation to southern Oregon.)  Two of the Merlin girls got to be in my cabin, one of whom hosted two of our students during our home stay down south.

I knew about a particular strained relationship between 3 of my girls, and had a tearful conversation with one of them about how it was time to make things right.  With "I'm sorry's" exchanged, God answered our prayer with a worship night that turned into a night of reconciliation for not only those 3, but for another girl as well, who described her moment of forgiveness as a burden lifted.  A smile lit up her face as she struggled to find words to describe her moment of peace and joy.  A smile that represented deep healing from bitterness, hurt and anger.

One of the girls from Merlin was particularly difficult to connect with in my cabin - she pretended to be asleep during our cabin discussions and didn't open up at all.  Finally, during our one on one, we had a breakthrough.  She related a lot to our camp speaker's story (Mike Miller).  As one of 18 kids from a mom who has been with a multitude of different men, she called herself a bastard child - born out of wedlock into a dysfunctional home.  She'd been recently kicked out and was living with her ex-boyfriend/almost fiance (which meant sharing a bed) because she had nowhere else to go.  Grasping for words of comfort and failing miserably, all I could do was agree with how sucky things were for her at "home" and encouraged her to share her story with Mike.  Hesitantly, she agreed.

That night, after the message, I introduced her to Mike.  She didn't feel like sharing, so, with her permission, I gave him a snapshot of her background.  I told him how our mission trip was re-directed to Grants Pass, how we had stayed with her friend who was also in my cabin, made connections with her youth pastor, and how awesome it was that she ended up in my cabin after all of that.  I'm still playing the conversation out in my mind.

Mike looked at her and said:
"Do you know why God would change a mission trip for 30 people so you could be here at camp this week?"
"Why?" she asked
"Because you're worth it."

She rolled her eyes and sighed.
Mike asked her to look at him, and repeated "You're worth it..

Pause.
Gasp.
"Oh honey, you've never heard that before, have you?"

She began to sob, and he said " Listen, if an old, fat guy can tell you that he loves you after he just met you, how much more does your Heavenly Father love you because he sent his son to die for you?!"

Shaking with tears, we embraced.  He challenged her to look forward and to choose who she wants to be.  Her past doesn't define her- she has decisions to make about who she wants to become.

We walked back into the chapel and continued our worship set, and I was broken inside.  I fell into Paul's arms after the service and sobbed about her bleak situation.  Thinking about how impossible it seemed to "just look forward" when all she had ahead of her was yucky.

After spending a year-ish of job-searching and feeling restless in my current situation, God even moved in me.  He sprinkled water on my dry heart, bringing life to a place I felt was barren.  Missing friends, longing for a career job, desiring to know people outside of church, etc.  And here, among a group of young ladies 10 years younger than I, I found such peace in my current situation and felt God affirm: "I have you here for this."  Sure enough, that same night, 2 other young ladies sought me out to talk.

When the Merlin crowd returned home and attended the church service the next day, the one whom had the "breakthrough" introduced herself to my parents, saying how much she enjoyed being in my cabin.  My mom, knowing nothing about her story yet, said "welcome to the family!" and gave her a hug.  Only later, when I told her what happened at camp, did we recognize the power of her words.  Not to mention, this young lady spent the next week helping my dad with games at VBS.

Why?
Because she's worth it.

Photos from camp:

My team: "Calvary Crusaders"

My childhood best friend, Hallie, got to be our camp nurse!

 The infamous game of "antiquing" - with cans of shaving cream and bags full of flour.  The point?  

Get as messy as possible!

 Belly-flop competitions, etc.

 Baptisms in the lake after "antiquing"

...and then a weekend away to recover from it all.  A free trip to Ilwaco/Long Beach at a bed and breakfast, and a moped ride around town. 

Haystack rock in the distance - the view from Crescent Beach